Knockout
by abbyfillion22
Summary: Kate's perspective of her traumatic experience in Knockout/ Rise
1. Chapter 1

Kate stepped up to the podium. Her stiff NYPD uniform was crisp and clean; not a speck of dirt found anywhere on the navy fabric. Her cap sat low on her head; the visor shielded her eyes from others.

All day, her team had cast her tentative glances, seeing how she was holding up. She put on a mask, her face showed no emotion. No one could know that she was dying inside; her life slowly crumbling around her like a burning paper; blackening to a crisp at the edges, then disappearing in the flame, eventually dissolving into nothing but ash and smoke.

"Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop," Kate began. She had rehearsed the eulogy over and over in her bathroom mirror. She said it so many times that when she stood in front of the crowd, it was as easy as saying her own name. She barely heard herself saying the words; she was so immersed in her own thoughts; numb to the world.

"KATE!" she heard someone yell.

All of a sudden, she felt a searing pain in her chest. Hot, white, and quick, the bullet entered her body. Then, she was on the ground, someone had tackled her.

_Castle_.

She couldn't feel anything, her body and soul were separate. All she could see was a bright light… and Rick. He was leaning over her, his hands on her shoulders, whispering.

Her head rested in the soft grass, still wet from the dew. She desperately wanted to close her eyes, but she knew that if she did, she would never open them again.

The light began to fade, Rick's face became blurry.

"Stay with me Kate," he whispered, "stay with me, I love you. I love you, Kate."

Her eyes slid shut and everything was gone.

She fought in and out of consciousness, briefly aware of what was happening around her.

She felt herself being lifted onto a gurney; saw the EMT put a needle in her arm, then blackness again.

There was the harsh fluorescent light of the ER, she was flying down the hall, an oxygen mask was put over her mouth. Blackness.

All the time, she was going over Rick's last words to her. "I love you Kate."

She knew she was in horrible pain, yet she didn't feel it. She was halfway between life and death, and at that point, she didn't care which way she went.

When she crossed over into death, she saw nothing. She only felt a terrible aching in the pit of her stomach, thinking about the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', just what Royce had warned her about. He was right, she knew. There are no guarantees in life, and she blew it.

There was a bright flash of light, and she was back on the surgical table. She was given a second chance at life.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate opened her eyes. At first, she was confused. She wondered where she was and why she hurt so badly. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the hospital lights. She looked out the window. It was grey and cloudy outside; raindrops slid down the glass in slow motion. _What am I doing here? _Then it all came rushing back to her; the sniper, the bullet slicing into her chest, Rick knocking her over, telling her that he loved her. The memory was too much to bear; she blacked out once more.

When she came too, it was dark outside. Someone was holding her hand.

"Katie?" said a gruff voice.

She blinked rapidly to wake herself up. Her dad sat on the edge of her bed.

"Dad," she breathed, the tears suddenly spilled over.

"I thought I'd never see you again," said Jim, biting his lip. He tried to stay strong for his daughter's sake. He leaned over and wrapped his arms around his only daughter.

Kate flinched; the smallest touch sent a spasm of pain through her entire body, but she didn't pull away. She needed her dad more than anyone.

Jim was silently praising God that He had given him his daughter back. He thought about all those years after Joanna's death that Katie was there for him; taking the bottle away and making him live again. He pulled back and looked into her eyes. "I'm so sorry this happened to you."

Kate wiped her tears, ignoring the shooting pain in her side.

"You're going to be okay," said Jim, his voice cracking, "Katie, you're going to be okay. I promise."

She nodded, telling herself that if her dad believed it, it must be true.

They embraced again. Jim felt Kate's hot tears on his shoulder; Kate, his living proof that he had done something right in his life.

She fell back to sleep in his arms.

She slept until morning, when she was awoken by a nurse changing her IV.

The nurse smiled kindly at her. "You're lucky, honey. Not many people could have survived what you went through."

Kate stared at her. "I don't feel lucky," she said attempting a smile.

"You have a visitor," said the nurse.

She sat up straighter. "Really? Who is it?" she secretly hoped it wasn't Castle. She wasn't ready to face him yet.

Kate sighed when Josh stepped into the room. He had on his blue scrubs and a surgical mask hung around his neck. "Hey," he said, shutting the door.

"Hi," she whispered, forcing a smile.

He walked over to her bed and gave her a kiss. "I missed you," he said. "How are you feeling?"

She rubbed her head and ran her fingers through her tangled hair. "Like I was shot." She fingered the tiny scar on her chest. It wasn't big, yet she thought it was the ugliest thing in the world; all pink and sensitive. It was a weakness; her Achilles heel.

Josh looked at her with pity. "I did everything I could… I wish I could have done more, but I wasn't allowed to operate on you." He took her hand. "If you hadn't made it, I would have never forgiven myself."

She silently rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb. "Thank you," was all she said.

Josh grinned. "I-"

They both turned at the sound of the door opening.

"Castle," said Kate.

Rick stood in the doorway, unsure of himself. He held a huge vase of flowers and was shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other, deciding if he should leave since Josh was there.

Josh frowned, standing up. "I'm gonna… I have to go, I'll see you later." He gave her one final kiss on the forehead before leaving. He gave Castle a hard stare on his way out as a warning.


	3. Chapter 3

Castle stood there staring at her for a full minute, making her feel self conscious. Her hair was put in a messy ponytail and she was so pale from the loss of blood.

Kate broke the silence. "You're staring at me, I must look really bad," she said quietly.

Rick snapped out of his trance, taking a few tentative steps forward. "No, I just… never thought I'd see you again."

He held out the flowers. "I, uh, heard you were opening a flower shop," he set them down on her nightstand. "So, I came to make a contribution." He took the chair next to her bed.

She smiled, feeling so happy to see him. Happier than she had been when Josh visited, she noted solemnly. "I heard you tried to save me," she said.

Rick faltered. "Yeah, I, uh… you heard? You don't remember me tackling you?"

Kate saw the look of hurt and disappointment register on his face. She felt horrible; she wondered why she was lying to him. Then, she realized that she was protecting herself. She couldn't get distracted by something as insignificant as love; there were so many more important things. The last thing she needed at that moment was something else to worry about and she wasn't ready to tell Castle how she _really _felt about him.

"No, I don't remember much of anything. I um, remember the podium, then I remember everything going black," she lied, knowing that Rick wouldn't push her in the state she was in.

"You don't remember…" he began. Kate knew what he was about to ask. He wanted to know if she remembered him saying "I love you".

"…the gunshot," he said, taking her by surprise.

She stared at him. "No."

There was an awkward silence between them. Rick studied the floor.

"The memory of Montgomery… lying there dead," she paused, "It still haunts me."

Castle nodded, not looking at her.

"You should have let me help him," said Kate.

Castle look up at her. "You would have been killed too," he insisted.

Kate sighed, wanting to avoid a conflict. "I'm tired," she hinted, turning away from him.

Castle took the hint, moving to leave. "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

She panicked. "Um, no," she said hurriedly, stopping him in his tracks. "I just… I need some time."

"Okay, how much time?" he asked, understanding that she wanted her space.

"I'll call you," she said sadly.

His face fell when she said it, but he merely nodded as he left the room.

Kate breathed a sigh of relief when the door shut, happy for the solitude. She knew that she had just put a fence between her and Castle.

_I'll call him next week when I'm feeling better, _she thought. Even she knew that she was wouldn't.

When she was released from the hospital, Kate spent two months at her dad's cabin. She took long walks by herself, read a lot of books, and most of all; slept. She ultimately didn't want to face the harsh realities of her life. The best place to escape was into sleep where she didn't have to think about anything; didn't have to feel. She constantly found herself staring off into the middle distance; lost in her thoughts. _My life, a beautiful mess._

She was fine until she returned to the city at the end of the summer. Her dad's cabin had been secluded and silent. But in the city, there were so many people around her, so many noises that set her on edge. The sound of a truck door slamming or a car backfiring sent her mind reeling. She couldn't breathe, waiting for the bullet to rip through her and take her life forever.

Her therapist, Dr. Burke, identified it as PTSD. She began seeing Dr. Burke a month after the shooting, as recommended by a nurse in the hospital. He told her to describe how she felt when she thought about the accident. "It wasn't an accident," she told him, "that bullet was _meant _for me." After a while, she began to open up to Burke, accepting his help. But nothing could prepare her to face Castle again.

She never called him. After three months, he had probably stopped expecting to hear from her. He had probably moved on, hell, maybe gotten married again. Who knows with him, he might have even gotten another divorce. In three months, so much could happen; so much could change. For better or worse, she had no clue.

The worst part was the first day back at work. When she entered the precinct, everyone stood and applauded her. She smiled graciously, but she hated the attention. She didn't want to be treated any differently than before.

To her disappointment, even Esposito and Ryan treated her differently. They seemed to be cautious around her, watching what they said. There was no usual joking going on between them. Everyone held back on what they really wanted to say.

She smiled when she saw her team approaching.

"Hey, Beckett," said Ryan, looking as sharp as ever in his signature sweater vest and tie. "What are you doing here? Didn't think you'd be back until next week."

"Yeah, well. Two months of listening to crickets in my dad's cabin was driving me nuts," she said offhandedly. The entire time away, Kate had been itching to get her hands on a gun. Even if she was only shooting at old beer bottles, being on the other side of the gun made her feel in control.

"It's okay. You don't have to make excuses," said Esposito. Kate almost thought that he was going to bring up the funeral. "We know you missed us. That's why you couldn't stay away."

Beckett grinned, happy for Esposito's knack of making everything light. "Shut up," she joked, sinking down into her chair. Everything on her desk was exactly the same as when she left. No one had dared touch her things out of respect. A fine layer of dust covered her computer monitor. "So," she said, getting back into the swing of things, "What's the update on my shooter?"

Esposito glanced at Ryan. "The shooter disappeared and facial recognition and license plates gleaned from surveillance cameras."

Beckett nodded, taking in the new information, secretly panicking knowing that the sniper was still at large and wanted her dead.

"DNA extracted off of the gun didn't match anyone in the system," said Ryan. "Didn't Castle fill you in on this?"

A pang of guilt hit her like a train. She had wanted to avoid this topic as long as she could. She stared at her hands. "We haven't talked since the shooting. I told him that I needed my space."

They looked surprised by this. "Oh," said Espo, "well, Castle spent most of the summer here working on the case before the new captain kicked him out."

It was Beckett's turn to be surprised. Castle had spent the summer in the city? Not only that, but he was hunting her shooter!

"Captain Gates is from International Affairs, nicknamed "Iron" Gates," said Ryan. "She's as 'by the book' as they come."

Ryan and Espo looked at each other again. "Tell her," said Ryan, nudging him.

"What?" asked Beckett.

Esposito hesitated. "Castle thought that he discovered a money trail to the guy who ordered the hit on your mother, but the bank Montgomery and his partners were using to stash their money closed. Gates shut down the investigation before we could locate the bank records and since we had no new leads on your sniper."

Beckett let it all sink in. They finally had a solid lead on her mom's case. Castle had certainly been hard at work.

"We never told Gates about the bank records since it would implicate Montgomery in the conspiracy," Ryan said.

She nodded, understanding the risk. She desperately wanted move forward with the case, but she owed it to Montgomery to keep his secret.

Deciding it was time to meet "Iron" Gates, she strode over to Montgomery's old office and introduced herself. Gates was a tough looking African American woman with an intimidating stare. Beckett immediately knew that the new captain would not be the type to join them on poker nights.


End file.
